Learning Assertiveness

Assertive... that is a scary word for someone who has social anxiety. The last thing I want to be is assertive. It is very hard for me, and for anyone with social anxiety to express their feelings openly.

If you find it hard to:

• say no to people
• ask for what you want
• express your true feelings

You may need to work on being assertive. However, being assertive and being aggressive are two different things.

Assertiveness is acting in a way to get what you want without hurting the other person's feelings. Aggressiveness is the total opposite.

Learning assertiveness takes practice just like anything else. It also involves more than just your words.

First and foremost, when speaking to someone, make eye contact. Looking away or not making eye contact at all gives the impression you are not sure or confident in what you are saying.

Be aware of your posture. Don't cross your arms, which could be a sign you are on the defense, or not open to listening.

Use I statements. I feel angry because... I need... These statements are more effective than You are so... You don't care...

Asking for something you want can be very difficult for anyone with social anxiety. I feel it leaves me wide open for criticism or rejection. However, everyone has a right to ask for what they want.

If you continue to use the I statements, make eye contact, and be specific in your request without a lot of verbiage of apology, you will learn the assertive way of asking for what you want.

Remember, we all have the right to express our feelings, ask for something we want, and to say no to things we don't want.

Until next time...