Action Challenge Tips

Sometimes I need additional help when I am trying to overcome my social anxiety by actually doing things and facing my fears. That is O.K. Social anxiety can be extremely hard to overcome for some people.

I have listed some of my fears in prior postings, and one of my fears is going to the store. My therapist suggested I try the steps below:

• Drive to the store with my safe-person and spend one minute sitting in the parking lot.
• Drive to the store as many times as I need, sitting in the parking lot until I can handle any anxiety
• Drive to the store and actually walk up to the doors, sit on a bench if available
• Do this with my safe-person first, and then do it alone.
• On the next visit, go into the store with my safe-person, spend a few minutes and leave.
• Next, go into the store with my safe-person and buy 1 item.
• Go into the store with my safe-person and buy 2 items in different parts of the store, so that I am in there longer.
• Drive to the store with my safe-person, but go into the store alone and buy one item.
• Do this again the next time, only stay a little longer and buy two items.
• Go to the store by myself, buy one item, and slowly increase my time in the store with each visit.

This is what I mean by taking it slow! Some people with social anxiety may be able to skip some steps. It depends on the severity of your anxiety. Everyone is different, so obviously the steps above are just what my therapist suggested for me.

Whatever fear you are trying to overcome, just take it in small steps, and you will succeed! Do not tell yourself you cannot do something. If you continue to tell yourself you can't, you will start to believe it.

On another note, today is my birthday, which for some people is a happy occasion. For me, I will be getting my coping cards ready for when the phone rings, or when visitors stop by, or for whatever my family has planned for me. It is just another anxious day.

We can do this!

Until next time...

Action Challenge To Overcome Social Anxiety

I don't know why I have social anxiety, or panic attacks, or agoraphobia, or depression. It could have been my environment growing up, or some event that happened, I'm not quite sure.

I do know however, that it is my choice to either curl up in a corner and live with these for the rest of my life, or get up and do something to change my life. I choose the latter, because I absolutely hate living with social anxiety. The constant battles of my thoughts, the fatigue, the embarrassment, the excuses, and on and on.

I also know I don't have to take the journey to overcoming social anxiety alone. There are plenty of support systems, from my family, to social anxiety forums, to support groups, or friends.

If I find that one of these support avenues interfere with my motivation to change, I will seek out others. I will not be held back by anyone else's negativity. I have enough of that from myself I am trying to change.

When writing down my beliefs, goals, and reasons from the exercises earlier in my postings, I wanted to be able to go outside and actually do something I want to do. I want to accomplish this with minimal anxiety, and I want to enjoy what I am doing instead of listening to all the negative thoughts in my head.

Today, I have decided to re-plant some flowers. I will take some flowers that have already gone dormant from the backyard and re-plant them in the front yard. I will not take my daughter with me for support (safe-person) as I would normally have done. I will accomplish this on my own.

It sounds simple if you don't have social anxiety. It may sound simple if you do have it. But we need to start moving ahead at a slow pace. If we jump in too quickly and try to do things that causes the most anxiety, we have a better chance of not seeing it through.

So, what goal will you make today? I would like to hear about it as well as your success. I will update this post with my results.

Until next time...

The best advice I can give is to just do it! I started to think about it and almost backed out. I told myself this was ridiculous, the only way to move forward is by doing, and nothing will happen that I can't handle.

So I gathered my tools and off I went. The neighbors were outside doing their thing. While I was working, my thoughts started to drift; wondering what the neighbors were thinking about me. I said STOP, and concentrated on my work, and made it through just fine.

I feel great! I made it through, with very little anxiety which actually surprised me. I also feel good that I accomplished something. This is a good thing. You must try a goal today, and also try and post your results.

Learning Assertiveness

Assertive... that is a scary word for someone who has social anxiety. The last thing I want to be is assertive. It is very hard for me, and for anyone with social anxiety to express their feelings openly.

If you find it hard to:

• say no to people
• ask for what you want
• express your true feelings

You may need to work on being assertive. However, being assertive and being aggressive are two different things.

Assertiveness is acting in a way to get what you want without hurting the other person's feelings. Aggressiveness is the total opposite.

Learning assertiveness takes practice just like anything else. It also involves more than just your words.

First and foremost, when speaking to someone, make eye contact. Looking away or not making eye contact at all gives the impression you are not sure or confident in what you are saying.

Be aware of your posture. Don't cross your arms, which could be a sign you are on the defense, or not open to listening.

Use I statements. I feel angry because... I need... These statements are more effective than You are so... You don't care...

Asking for something you want can be very difficult for anyone with social anxiety. I feel it leaves me wide open for criticism or rejection. However, everyone has a right to ask for what they want.

If you continue to use the I statements, make eye contact, and be specific in your request without a lot of verbiage of apology, you will learn the assertive way of asking for what you want.

Remember, we all have the right to express our feelings, ask for something we want, and to say no to things we don't want.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety Forums

If you are already a member of Social Anxiety forums, that is a great way to start communicating. If you are not, it is a good idea to join one, or several.

There are many forums and discussion groups for social anxiety, panic attacks, depression and more. Just type what you are looking for into your favorite search engine and start looking.

Look for forums with a lot of activity and members. Look at the dates of the posts for a clue as to how active the forum is on a daily or weekly basis. Some of the forums let you browse posts as a guest before registering. Read some of the posts to get a feel for the forum.

If you have had an unpleasant experience with one forum, I suggest you keep looking. Most of the forums have very kind and considerate members. They are living with and trying to cope with the same daily struggles as anyone who has social anxiety.

Do not be afraid to post. The more you post, the easier it gets, and the quicker you will be to reaching your goals. Start out slow. Just introduce yourself and maybe a little information about your experience with social anxiety. This is a great way to improve communication skills.


Until next time...

The Dreaded Small Talk

If you are anything like me, you dread the words “small talk.” The words themselves cause me severe anxiety. Oh, I have to actually talk with people, they are surely going to see my inadequacies. Here I go with those negative thoughts again!

The problem for people with social anxiety is that we keep our masks on all the time. We shield ourselves with a barrier, thinking only of protecting our feelings. By doing that, we look “stuck up” to people. Unapproachable. Arrogant. When in fact it is the complete opposite.

So, we need to learn how to converse with people. Scary words, I know, but we must in order to overcome social anxiety.

If you happen to be in a position where you have to talk with someone, start out by keeping the conversation light. Pick something you are comfortable with like:

• Your interests or hobbies
• A book you've been reading
• A movie you've seen or want to see
• What you do for a living

When the other person is talking, really listen. That sounds obvious to some people, but when my anxiety gets too high, all I hear are the negative thoughts in my head, not what the other person is saying.

And remember:

• You are just as important as the next person!
• You have just as much right to speak as the next person!

Read it and believe it!

Until next time...

Additional Skills Needed

Facing your fears whether you try the imagery process or the actual live process may be more difficult if you see yourself lacking certain skills.

I always thought my social skills were poor. I have had several people, including professionals, tell me that my social skills were fine. Of course, having social anxiety, or social phobia, my thoughts about myself are very critical.

However, when given the following questions, I agreed to most, thus proving to myself I do need additional skills in the social skills area. These questions are:

• Do you have trouble initiating conversations?
• Can you keep a conversation going?
• Is it hard to maintain eye contact?
• Do you say yes a lot so the other person keeps talking?

We go back to practice makes perfect. As I have posted several times, I am very uncomfortable talking on the phone. I never know what mood the caller is in, nor what the call will be about.

So I need to practice. I have my coping skills card. I write down what I want to say if I am initiating the call. And of course, I have my breathing skills to help keep me relaxed and focused.

Whatever social skill you think you lack, practice, practice, practice.

Conversation: If you find it difficult to initiate or keeping a conversation going:

• Try asking open ended sentences. Ones where a yes or no answer just wouldn't work.
• Don't be afraid to let them know “you just don't know how to break the ice.”
• Make sure you listen! We get so caught up in our faulty thoughts we tend to not even hear what the other person is saying.
• Listen to other people's conversations.

There are more tips to mastering conversation skills that I will be sharing with you.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Exposure

I have been talking about exposure - which is facing our fears.

So how are you doing? Were you able to use the imagery way of facing your fears? Or were you able to jump right in to a live situation? Either way, it is extremely important to begin this major step in overcoming social anxiety.

Sometimes, an opportunity to practice will just come out of the blue. That is what happened to me yesterday.

One of my fears is talking on the telephone. Whether it is answering it or actually making a phone call. Yesterday, I accomplished both several times.

With a quick glance at my coping skills card, I thought, “Now or never.” At the end of each phone call I started to do my usual critique of everything that was said. However, I also followed up with a positive statement for every negative thought I had.

It works. Trust me, it is and was uncomfortable, but practice makes perfect. Not perfect as in you will never say or do anything that will cause anxiety. Perfect as in handling your fears and anxiety.

So if an opportunity to face your fears happens, go for it. Experience it. That is the only way to learn to handle anxiety causing events.

We are not going to run away any longer. It is time to get our life back.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Face Our Fears

One of the hardest tasks in overcoming social anxiety for me, is actually facing my fears in a real life situation. However, to continue on our journey, it is extremely important.

Once you have mastered your fear using the imagery process from the previous post, you are now ready to do it live! Do not move onto this step until you have mastered the imagination process. Just come back here when you are ready.

Taking the same situation that you used for the imagination process, perform it in real life. If you skipped the imagination process and are just jumping into the live process, remember to use the lowest causing anxiety situation.

Apply all the techniques, skills, and resources you have to accomplish this process. For example:

• Breathing
• Coping Skills – possibly on your index cards
• Positive thoughts
• Safe person when possible

Carry out your task. Whether it is going for a walk, shopping, go on a date, a job interview, or whatever you have come up with.

Your anxiety level will rise, but again, it needs to. You must learn that you can get through it. However, if your anxiety reaches a point that you feel is out of control, it is okay to leave the situation. Just don't make this a habit.

Should this happen, go back over all of your notes for goal setting, changing negative self-talk, breathing techniques, or any coping skill you have learned.

Don't forget the resources page of this blog. There are some great tools that have helped me along the way.

Just remember to go at your own pace. Jumping in too quickly without fully practicing coping skills is not a good practice. However, never getting started won't accomplish anything, either.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Taming The Beast

We have set goals, analyzed, learned some skills, are armed with great resources, so now it is time for action! Social anxiety is a beast to live with, and it is time to tame the beast.

If you are like me, you have become an expert at avoiding the situations that cause anxiety. Not anymore, it is time to face our fears. By facing our fears, we will learn:

• Certain actions will not cause disapproval from others
• If disapproval occurs, it won't be a disaster
• Confidence, that we CAN do this

We have already listed our goals on paper. For example: I want to go for a walk, I want to eat at a restaurant, etc. Take these goals and put them in order from the one that will cause the least anxiety, to the one that will cause the most anxiety.

Obviously we are going to start with the one that causes the least anxiety. There are a couple of ways to go to reach our goal.

One way is to imagine ourselves in the situation. This was pretty hard for me to do at first, so don't get discouraged if you find it difficult. What worked for me was:

• Find a quiet place where you won't be interrupted.
• Use a breathing technique or something that will help you relax
• Imagine yourself in the situation you have chosen

This can be the difficult part. Close your eyes and imagine every detail of your situation. What are you wearing, who else is there, is it raining, is it sunny, are you hot or cold, what do you hear, what do you smell? Use all of your senses to get the feeling of actually being in the situation.

Make sure you imagine the whole situation. The beginning, middle and end. If you are going for a walk, start imagining putting on your shoes for example. We want this to be as real as it can be.

Expect to be uncomfortable. Expect your anxiety to rise. If done correctly that is what will happen, but that is what must happen. With all the tools and resources available to us, we can handle this.

Do not stop. Go through the entire scene in your mind, being aware of your anxiety level. It should peak and then come down. Do this imagery as often as necessary, until you realize that tolerating the anxiety will bring relief.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety Motivation To Succeed

Motivation... The Heart To Succeed

To keep us on our journey to overcome Social Anxiety, we need encouragement once in awhile. We have done a lot of work, and we don't want to get in a rut.

It may be a bitter experience, a great movie, or an inspiring book that will help us get up and get just the right amount of motivation we need in order to conquer social anxiety.

With the countless negativities the world brings about, how do we keep motivated? Try these tips from A to Z…

A - Achieve your dreams. Avoid negative people, things and places. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

B - Believe in your self, and in what you can do.

C – Consider things on every angle and aspect. Motivation comes from determination.

D – Don’t give up and don’t give in. Thomas Edison failed once, twice, more than thrice before he came up with his invention and perfected the incandescent light bulb. Make motivation as your steering wheel.

E – Enjoy. Work as if you don’t need money. Dance as if nobody’s watching. Love as if you never cried. Learn as if you’ll live forever. Motivation takes place when people are happy.

F – Family and Friends – are life’s greatest ‘F’ treasures. Don’t lose sight of them.

G – Give more than what is enough. Where does motivation and self improvement take place at work? At home? At school? When you exert extra effort in doing things.

H – Hang on to your dreams. They may dangle in there for a moment, but these little stars will be your driving force.

I – Ignore those who try to destroy you. Don’t let other people to get the best of you. Stay out of toxic people – the kind of friends who hates to hear about your success.

J – Just be yourself. The key to success is to be yourself. And the key to failure is to try to please everyone.

K – keep trying no matter how hard life may seem. When a person is motivated, eventually he/she sees a harsh life finally clearing out, paving the way to self improvement.

L – Learn to love your self. Now isn’t that easy?

M – Make things happen.

N – Never lie, cheat or steal. Always play a fair game.

O – Open your eyes. People should learn the horse attitude and horse sense. They see things in 2 ways – how they want things to be, and how they should be.

P – Practice makes perfect. Practice is about motivation. It lets us learn repertoire and ways on how can we recover from our mistakes.

Q – Quitters never win. And winners never quit. So, choose your fate – are you going to be a quitter? Or a winner?

R – Ready yourself. Motivation is also about preparation. We must hear the little voice within us telling us to get started before others will get on their feet and try to push us around. Remember, it wasn’t raining when Noah build the ark.

S – Stop procrastinating.

T – Take control of your life. Discipline or self control jives synonymously with motivation. Both are key factors in self improvement.

U – Understand others. If you know very well how to talk, you should also learn how to listen. Yearn to understand first, and to be understood the second.

V – Visualize it. Motivation without vision is like a boat on a dry land.

W – Want it more than anything. Dreaming means believing. And to believe is something that is rooted out from the roots of motivation and self improvement.

X – X Factor is what will make you different from the others. When you are motivated, you tend to put on “extras” on your life like extra time for family, extra help at work, extra care for friends, and so on.

Y – You are unique. No one in this world looks, acts, or talks like you. Value your life and existence, because you’re just going to spend it once.

Z – Zero in on your dreams and go for it!!!

Until next time...

Anxiety? Or Are You Just Shy?

Is it anxiety? Or do people say, "Oh, you are just shy."

“Oh, you are just shy.” Are you sick and tired of hearing that? Are you wondering what is wrong with you? Do you feel like no one understands? You are not alone!

I lived with “shyness” all my life. Everyone told me to just “get over it.” I wanted to scream! Something is wrong with me! I can't just get over it!

Then I got older. The problem with my “shyness” got worse. Other symptoms started to arise. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and many others.

If you are still wondering if you are just shy, or if it is something more, maybe this will help.

• Do you worry for days, weeks, months about an event you have to attend?
• Do you immediately start coming up with excuses not to attend an event?
• Do you have an extreme fear of being judged by others?
• Do you have extreme fear of talking to strangers?
• Do you find it extremely hard to post in forums, newsgroups, use an instant messenger, or any form of conversation online?
• Do you find it almost impossible to use the phone?
• Do you panic when someone knocks on your door? Do you even get nausious and not answer it?
• Do you avoid going to the store?
  

Some of these you may do, some you may not, and there may be other things you do or avoid that is not on this list. It should give you some points to ponder.

Notice a couple of key words in the examples above. Extreme and Avoid.

Someone who is shy may blush when meeting someone new. Someone with social anxiety may also blush when meeting someone new. However, this person may also feel nauseous, light headed, and tremble. Their heart might race, they may sweat excessively, their mouth and throat may get extremely dry, they may have panic feelings and want to find the nearest exit.

If this post helps just one person, I will be glad. If you want to talk, and you're not able to post a comment, feel free to contact me.

Trust me, you are safe, I know exactly what you are going through.

Until next time...

Resources For Help

Social anxiety takes a lot of work and commitment to overcome. The good news is, it CAN be beaten. There is a wealth of information and resources to overcome social anxiety, ending negative thoughts, building self-esteem, and more.
Believe! We don't have to live this way. YOU don't have to live this way. I am here to help. We can help each other. Just believe in yourself, believe in outside help, and you will succeed!
Some resources I have found to be useful are:
Natural Remedies – I was tired of being on prescription medication with all the side affects, and zombie like feelings. I went searching for alternatives and found this wonderful site. I asked a lot of questions, and they answered promptly and informatively. They recommended:
Pure Calm to reduce my anxiety.
Mind Soothe to treat my anxiety and depression.
Triple Complex Nerve Tonic works wonders for my Panic Attacks.
Since taking these, my mind is more clear, I can focus better, I don't have any side affects, and I am much happier. This site has a wealth of information on these subjects and more. It is really worth visiting.
Another resource I use is:
Hypnosis What I like about hypnosis is you can practice this anywhere. The site offers hundreds of categories, including:
Stop Negative Thoughts! A big one people with social anxiety must work on.
Build your self esteem now! An obvious choice for me.
Overcome shyness now! Definitely what we need
And many more... You can also pick up their Free Hypnosis Training Course to learn about hypnosis and exactly how it can work for you. There is nothing to lose, as it is free.
Conquer Anxiety is another great tool to add to your arsenal. The National Institute of Anxiety and Stress, Inc. offers a breakthrough self-help program for conquering anxiety and stress. It can help you address your symptoms, change your anxious thought patterns, and create a relaxing, fulfilling life. We guarantee that you'll find it a valuable tool in conquering your anxiety!
Click Here to learn seven vital keys for conquering anxiety and panic in their FREE E-book. Scroll down slightly and look on the right side of page. Or use the link on the right side-bar of this blog.
There are also books available which I have found to be extremely useful. Such as:
Overcoming Social Anxiety which lists over 150 books related to overcoming social anxiety. Most of these were recommended reading from my therapist. They are written so even I can understand!
These resources are just a small fraction of what is available to help you overcome social anxiety, or social phobia. These are what I consider to be among the best resources that have worked for me.
If you are looking for something specific, contact me, and I will help in any way I can. Even if you just want to say Hi! Just know that you don't have to take this journey alone.
Important: Obviously, you must check with your doctor before deciding on a natural remedy versus what you may be taking now. No one should ever stop taking prescription medicine prescribed by their doctor without consulting him or her first. It can be very dangerous, and there are specific ways you must follow which your doctor will advise.
Until next time...

Social Anxiety - New Beliefs Road Block

Believing you can overcome social anxiety is a huge step. I can change my thoughts and expectations, but when it comes to changing my beliefs, I hit a road block and I feel like a failure.

I'm not a failure, I just haven't succeeded yet. So what else can I do? Well, my beliefs need to be in my face, written down, as a constant reminder so they don't get trampled on by my negative thoughts.

I found an index card and I will write my new thoughts and expectations down. I am going to carry it with me, and read it when my negative thoughts start to interfere.

Some examples are:

• Most people will accept it if my hands shake when writing a check
• Most people will accept it if I stutter
• Most people will accept it if I blush
• I can cope with disapproval, it is not that bad.

I have had several people make remarks about my hands shaking over the years. My first reaction was panic and embarrassment. So, what I also plan to do is come up with some clever comebacks to such statements. Not to be mean, just as another way of turning my thoughts and feelings around.

I'm not very good at comebacks, so that one will take me awhile. An example would be if someone remarked about my stuttering, I could just say, "My brain was engaged before my mouth." Or something like that.

We should all add some coping statements, and comebacks, to help each other along the way.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - New Beliefs

It is extremely important while changing negative thoughts into positive beliefs to be realistic. If the new thoughts that are to be practiced are not realistic, there's a slim chance of overcoming social anxiety.

People with social anxiety have practiced negative faults for a very long time. Changing these to positive thoughts will not happen over-night, nor ever if you don't believe them.

I struggle with this every day. I usually get stuck at this point. I can replace my “faulty” thoughts with new, healthier thoughts. I can change my unrealistic expectations with a truer picture. However, when it comes down to actually believing this new way of thinking, it is very hard.

That is where practice comes in. You can't avoid social situations and expect to overcome social anxiety. It just doesn't work that way.

I found that starting out slow helped. Whenever I had to go somewhere, I would drag someone with me. What I failed to do, is keep aware of my thoughts, changing them from negative to positive.

I thought just by “doing” things would solve my problem. It didn't. All I accomplished was to be able to do things as long as someone was with me. I still had all the same negative thoughts, expectations, and beliefs.

So, I had to come up with a different strategy.

Until next time....

Social Anxiety - Sub-personalities

I have suffered from social anxiety all my life. I remember instances that happened when I was 4 years old, though I obviously didn't know at that time what was really going on.

It wasn't until much later in my life after seeking professional counseling that I could actually put a name to the problem. During these meetings I have taken many, many notes. Going through my notes, I found a worksheet on the different sub-personalities that most social phobics have.

The Worrier... I fit into this category. This is the strongest sub-personality in people who are prone to anxiety. The Worrier creates anxiety by imagining the worst-case scenario. The Worrier anticipates the worst, overestimates the odds of something bad or embarrassing will happen, and creates actual images of failure. The Worrier is always watching for any small symptom or sign of trouble.

The Critic... The critic is constantly judging and evaluating their behavior. It jumps on any mistake you make to remind you that you are a failure. The Critic generates anxiety by putting you down for not being able to handle your panic symptoms, for not being about to go places, for being unable to perform at your best, or for having to be dependent on someone else. OK, so I fit into this one, too.

The Victim... The Victim is that part of you which feels helpless or hopeless. It generates anxiety by telling you that you are not making any progress, that your condition is incurable, or that the road is too long and you have no real chance at recovering. It believes that nothing will ever change.

The Perfectionist... The Perfectionist promotes chronic stress and burnout. It generates anxiety by constantly telling you that your efforts are not good enough, that you should be working harder, that you should always have everything under control. The Perfectionist is the hard driving part of you that wants to be best and is intolerant of mistakes.

Well, I fall into most of these categories. Take a look at them. Can you see yourself in any or all of these categories?

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - The Road To Change

Overcoming social anxiety is a simple process... on paper. For a person suffering from social anxiety, like myself, it is one of the hardest processes to go through.

We've recorded our thoughts, beliefs, expectations, and analyzed and rated and dissected them.

Now we have to change them. To do this, we have to develop healthier ways to think about and respond to social situations we fear. Bottom line... we need to change the way we think.

We are going to get rid of the “faulty” or negative thoughts and replace them with more realistic and constructive thoughts.

Here are the guidelines for our new thoughts:

• They must be in our own words not some far out techie words
• They must relate or apply directly to the situation. If blushing is the concern, a new thought about sweating won't work.
• They must be realistic. Use I am confident and calm, not, I will not panic
• They must be short and to the point. Our thoughts are so fast we have to learn and memorize our new thoughts so they are second nature and automatic when we have to use them.

The last point above is pretty important. I have a very difficult time applying this one when I am in a social situation and panic is about to begin.

One trick I have learned is to visualize a huge red STOP sign and say the word STOP (in my head). It actually interrupts my negative thoughts and I am able to apply new ones.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Inaccurate Expectations

Overcoming social anxiety is a very slow process. When my therapist had me doing these exercises, I thought she was a little nuts. However, I was and still am determined to beat this anxiety disorder, so I did what she asked, and continue today.

We have to dig deep inside ourselves to figure out when we feel danger in social situations, why we feel that way, what thoughts are coming into play, and identify our inaccurate expectations about the dangers.

Sometimes I don't even have to be at a social event for my anxiety and panic thoughts to rear its ugly head. I can just look at a word, and get a flood of thoughts and unrealistic beliefs.

So, pick out a social situation from the thought diary that caused anxiety. Write down a description of that situation.

Mine was going outside to mow the lawn and do some yard work. Notice I am not even in a social situation, but the feelings and thoughts are the same.

From the example, think about how likely you were in that situation to experience disapproval. Rate your beliefs on a scale of 0 to 10. Let your fear do the rating. This is how you actually felt. Mine is rated at 10.

Now rate this situation on a scale of 0 to 10 on how severe you felt the consequences would be if someone disapproved of you. Mine is rated at 10.

We now have an idea of what our original expectations were. Chances are, you rated about the same as I did, with very high beliefs of experiencing disapproval, and severe consequences if someone disapproved.

The problem is, we have had these thoughts and beliefs for so long, we think they are pretty accurate. Let me tell you, they are not.

We will discuss changing our thoughts, beliefs, and expectations next.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Determine Our Beliefs Through A Thought Diary

Today, we continue our journey to overcome Social Anxiety by studying our beliefs. We do this by looking back to our thought diary.

Okay, let's assume that you've made an all-out effort to record your thoughts in the thought diary we started here.

You should now have an idea of the types of thoughts you have while you are in, or thinking about, feared social situations. To keep the momentum going on our journey to overcome social anxiety, we now need to determine our beliefs.

Look at your thought diary, are there any unrealistic beliefs that we discussed here?

For instance:

• Do you believe if you are criticized for one specific thing, that it is a criticism of your entire worth as a person?
• Do you believe that if others disapprove of you, you won't be able to handle it?

Which, if any, of these beliefs do you have? Write them down. We need to identify our inaccurate expectations next.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Identify Our Thoughts

People with social anxiety, or social phobia, need to identify their thought process as I mentioned in the previous post, here.

To do that, we need to write down our thoughts as they are happening. Not days or weeks later. At the time we are in an anxious moment, we have to make note of all of our thoughts going on at that time. This is called self-talk that I briefly mentioned in this post.

We start by keeping a thought diary.

• Rate your anxiety on a scale of 0 to 10
• Record the date and time
• The situation you are in
• The thoughts you are experiencing.

It may sound a little crazy to some, but we need to understand our exact thoughts in a given situation in order to conquer them.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Affirmations

Continuing with our journey to overcome social anxiety, I have to make an important statement.

People with social anxiety tend to have low self esteem. Me included. What I was told to do may sound silly to some, but try it yourself, you will be surprised.

You need to make a list of affirmations. These are statements to remind yourself of the positive aspects about yourself.

Here are some examples:

• I deserve to love and be loved
• I am a winner
• I am a capable human being
• I am a deserving human being
• I am competent
• I am strong
• I am beautiful
• I am caring
• I am intelligent
• I am trusting
• I am forgiving

List the positive statements you come up with on an index card, note card, or anything that is handy.

You will then place them anywhere you will see them and read them every single day. Some places could be:

• The bathroom mirror
• Light switches
• The visor of your car
• Closet door
• Refrigerator door
• By your telephone
• Use as a bookmark

Anywhere, as long as you will see the list every single day. Smile while you read them. Don't just glance over them. Read them, and let them absorb.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Fear Of Disapproval

Social anxiety and disapproval seem to go hand in hand. Many with social anxiety, or social phobia, believe that they have to be liked and approved by everyone.

So, we are doomed from the start. Not everyone is going to be liked, and not everyone will be met with approval. Remember the “you can't please all the people all the time?” Well, obviously it is true.

This is huge for me to deal with on a daily basis. Even writing in this blog is extremely difficult. One way I avoid, is to use my word program to write these entries, and wait a couple of days before actually posting them to my blog. I “forget” what I wrote, and just post.

Along with the fear of disapproval from others, there is an exaggeration of the consequences of what will actually happen if disapproval is met. So for my fear of writing in my blog, my exaggeration is that I will get hate mail, comments, and ridicule from everyone. Everyone? Definitely an exaggeration.

When we can identify our thought process regarding the fear of disapproval and the exaggerated outcome, we can begin to heal.

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Our Mind's Reaction To Fear

If you have researched social anxiety or social phobia, I am sure you have come across the term Cognitive Therapy. This is the best way to overcome what I call our “faulty” thoughts.

These thoughts have no basis for fear. These are the thoughts that go through our mind in a normal situation that tells us something bad is going to happen. Like my examples here and here.

A big contributor to our “faulty” thoughts is perfectionism. This leads to the thinking that we cannot do, say, or behave less than perfect. As we all know, there is no such thing as a perfect person.

However, people with social phobia and perfectionism go hand and hand. Do you see yourself here?

• If I'm anxious, I can't function around people
• If I make one mistake, other people won't like me
• If others think I'm no good, then it must be true

Or, do you manage to do something that you normally avoid, and later criticize and dissect every aspect of the event? Like I explained in my telephone example here.

What do you think... are you a perfectionist?

Until next time...

Social Anxiety - Breathing To Recovery

Social anxiety is a long road to travel when talking about recovery. There are so many factors that play a major role in how we handle our fears, it is imperative that we seek help in determining what exactly makes us fearful.

My writings are in no way a replacement for counseling. It takes a professional to help us discover the depths of our problem or our situation, the proper path to recovery, and the skills to decipher if there is an underlying problem or if medical attention needs to be addressed.

These writings are just what I have learned over the years from therapists, doctors, books, and articles. These are also my interpretations.

As I discussed earlier, the biggest hurdle I had to cross was learning how to breathe properly. I am still learning, so I won't try to explain the steps. However, I did find a good article on the About.com website.

You don't have to use this, there are plenty of sites out there discussing the proper way to breathe for relaxation.

I will share why I am having difficulty learning this skill, so you can be aware of your own progress or difficulties.

• I am extremely impatient to see results
• I don't practice as often as I should
• I am not consistent
• My mind strays when I should be concentrating on my breathing

Breathing is very important. We really need to take the time and put forth the effort of learning it.

Until next time....

Social Anxiety - Self-Talk Blues

As I stated earlier, people with social anxiety or social phobia use negative self-talk. I was taught to counter my negative self-talk. Countering negative self-talk is very hard for me to do, yet if mastered, it is very effective. The whole idea is to replace the "what if" statements which cause anxiety, to positive and supportive statements.

The example I used earlier about going to a concert for one of my children is what I do in every situation that causes me anxiety. I always run through the entire situation from beginning to end using every "what if" scenario I can think of. I have been programmed to do this over many years.

So, just replacing negative statements with positive ones is a constant struggle for me. When I try to do that, I am saying one thing (something positive) and believing something else (something negative). Telling myself nothing is going to happen has no affect on me, because I just don't believe it.

I am supposed to take this to the next level, which is also difficult. When a situation occurs that I know will cause a lot of anxiety for me, I am supposed to write down key questions to diffuse the negativity.

• What is the evidence for this? (whatever "what if" I am thinking).
• Is this always true? (do my fears always come true).
• Has this been true in the past?
• What are the odds of this really happening?
• What is the very worst that could happen?
• Am I looking at the whole picture?
• Am I being fully objective?

Great questions on paper, although anxiety is so powerful for me, I only remember the "bad" things that happen. I never remember the good outcomes because I am so self absorbed in the anxiety.

What has helped, is to write down specific instances when nothing actually happens. The thoughts were just that... thoughts.

Until next time...